Today I explored another paddock – ah ‘ad to report back to Le Uncle.

‘It ‘as a big ‘ill Le Uncle’, ah yell.

‘Ah am climbing it but do not worry about me ah am keeping an
eye out for any ‘oly craps’.

‘No sign of mmmmm nom nom nom’

‘Er, az ah waz nom nom hmmmm’

‘Ah am about to hmmmm Chomp chomp nom nom’

‘ Oh look zere iz Muzzerr, ‘ard at work doing ‘er ‘oovering, nom chomp’.

‘Nom nom nom, zere she iz, nom nom, way down below in yum nom nom nom’

‘Allo Muzzerr, nom nom, what do you zink of our new nom field?

‘Ah am being outstanding in it. Nom nommy chomp. Le Uncle, ah zink ah zee a ‘oly Cra – nom nom’.

It is not easy being le only Decorated War ‘ero in le paddock.

Ah am constantly being interrupted.

When ah finally agree to an interview, it iz on Le Uncle’s new Chat Show…
‘Beaucoup at Noon’.

‘Tell all our listeners in the next door paddock’, zay Beaucoup,
‘What it is like being a genuine war hero’.

‘Well,’ ah zay, ‘ah am a ‘umble little ‘orze and ah do not like to brag’.

‘But just between you and me eet eez not just mah bravery ah ‘ave to endure
but le fact zat ah am so incredibly ‘andsome and now ah am decorated also’.

‘’ah ‘ave a certain amount of ‘errrr ‘ow you zay… je ne sais quoi ‘ah zay,
– ah ‘ave no idea what eet means but eet zound suitably French to me.

‘Orzes like me are a rare breed’ ah zay and zen ah ‘ave to lean over and plant a
big Gaelic kiss on Beaucoup’s nose, az ‘e appear to be loosing interest.

Zat woke ‘im up.
‘e, instantly all alert for anyone ‘oo appear ‘overly French’.

‘ah waz telling le listerners,  about mah je ne sais quoi’
ah zay, ‘ah am plastered in eet’.

But Beaucoup eez not listening. ‘Excuzee moi’,
ah zay, ‘we were talking about a Decorated War ‘ero’.

‘Beaucoup, Ah ‘ave ‘ad it up to ‘ere’ ah roar

And suddenly le Chat Show iz abandoned for a game of ‘ad it up to ‘ere.

Zen Le Uncle takes off and ah am left standing but not for long…

Ah leap after ‘im faster zan a speeding pullet.

Narrowly avoiding la bermb someone left in le paddock.

Ah am not afraid of any bermb.

Ah choose to ignore eet.

Ah ‘ave more important Decorated War ‘ero stuff to do.
Ah fart in its general direction.

Ah wheel around to face mah foe but ‘e appear to be
running away from some left over ‘oly crap.

All zis time, Muzzerr as been asleep.

She eez a ‘opeless Muzzerr, ah may ‘ave to fire ‘er.
She even missed mah appearance on Beaucoup at Noon.

Le Sheeps will ‘ave to tell ‘er ‘ow urbane and chatty ah waz.
Ah go to look for Gollamb.

Ah am a Champion ‘orze. A decorated War ‘ero.
Ah am decorated wiz awards for mah bravery
and mah dedication in the farce of all odds.

Zo ah tell Gollamb when we got home
And Gollamb iz terribly impressed.

For a start ah won an award for Le Battle of Wounded Knee –
Bravery under Wire.

Gollamb and Myrtle can not believe their ears – they now know a decorated War ‘ero.

Mah Uzzerr Muzzerr and ah paraded togezzer.
Unfortunately mah Muzzerr insisted on following us.

Muzzerr iz zo embarrassing ah ‘ad to pretend she waz not there.
“‘Oo iz zat rude ‘orze be’ind me all le time,” ah zay.

Well you were, Muzzerr, screaming at me “’ad ah cleaned mah teeths?”
in le middle of la parade.

‘ow many decorated War ‘eros ‘ave their Muzzerrs asking awkward questions
in front of everyone like zat?

Even Gollamb was Gobsmacked when ah told ‘im about zat.

‘is Muzzerr iz embarrassing enough but even she would not do zat.

Next ah won le Ribbon for Distinguished Flying ‘orse –
ah flew across le parade grounds faster zan a speeding pullet and more distinguished zan Lambo Gini.

What are you look at me like zat for Muslamb? Ah AM telling le truths.

Anyway, to continue, ah won le Ribbon for Conspicuous Gollambtree
in allowing Uzzerr Muzzer to accompany me.

Yes Gollamb, CONSPICUOUS GOLLAMBTREE.
Gollamb iz very impressed to hear zat. Ah can tell.

And finally ah won Le Order of Le Bath for enduring one yesterday.

Islamb, Muslamb and even Gollamb’s Aunty GoodSheep did a double take at zat.

‘Come on then son’, zaid Bedlamb, ‘Show us your Awards then’.
‘e did not believe me.

‘e gets zis look in ‘is eye when ‘e does not believe zumzing ah zay.

Zo ah put zem all on and wander about and zat shut ‘im up.
‘‘ere,’ ah zay, ‘oo iz le War ‘ero now?’

Zen muzzerr she ‘ave to put ‘er big nose in.
‘For goodness sake, tell the truth, Zephyr’ she zay.

‘Come on Son,the truth now’ zay Le Uncle,
‘Let’s have it – Your Mother surely did not embarrass herself like that – did she?’.

‘But ah am telling le truths’ ah zay, ‘and ah ‘ad cleaned mah teeths’ ah am still showing off mah awards.

Zen ah put mah ‘ead down and ‘elp Muzzerr wiz la
‘oovering in case she ‘ave anyzing else to zay, but ‘er gob iz filled wiz ‘ay.

Just between you and me, ah ‘ave no idea what all mah awards are for.