Le Uncle give me a few lectures recently.

‘When I was your age  Bleuh bleuh bleuh’ ‘e go.

Yourage ah think, and ah ‘ave to say eet.

”ow long before you were Persil Le Uncle?’

‘Huh?’ ‘e say. Le Uncle ‘as no understanding of french so ah kindly break eet down for ‘im.

‘Ow… long… a… go…. were you somebody…. called…. Yourage….. and not somebody…. called Persil’ ah say slowly
and ah wave mah ‘ooves around ‘elpfully so ‘e get le picture.

Le Uncle ees giving me le blank stare. Finally ‘e roll ‘is eyes and sigh.
‘Don’t know what is wrong with the young bleuh bleuh bleuh, no RESPECT bleuh bleuh, when oi was young, bleuh gave our elders RESPECT and plenty of it’.

Respect? Thees ees news to me. Obviously ah need to get a big bag of eet and give eet to ‘im.
Ah go off to find Muzzeur, she will know where to get a bag of Respect.

Eet ees not long before ah find ‘er. She ees busy ‘oovering le paddock as usual.
She look up as ah approach ‘er.

‘Muzzeur,’ ah whisper, ‘ah need a large bag of Respect’.

Now she give me the look she usually reserve for Le Uncle when ‘e ‘as been looking at Les Girls.
‘I have no idea what you are talking about Son’ she say.
But ah will not be put off by someone ‘oo do not understand French.

‘Can ah…ave… un.. large… bag… of… Respect…ay….vu.’
ah am speaking very slowly and loudly but still she ‘as ‘er stupeed expression on.

She turn to Uzzeur Muzzeur.
‘Huh?’ she ask. But Uzzeur Muzzeur, she ees about as much ‘elp as a box of puppies’.
‘oo would ‘ave thought Respect would be so ‘ard to come by.

Ah decide to look for some mahself. Ah look up in le trees.
But there ees no bags of Respect ‘anging up there.
So ah realise, ah ‘ave to talk to Le Uncle about eet.

Ah explain to Le Uncle that ah realise le Respect ees very ‘ard to get.
Ah tell ‘im there ees a World Wide shortage of eet.
‘Do not worry Le Uncle, ah say, ‘as soon as ah get ‘old of some Respect, ah shall ‘and eet oveur to you’.
Le Uncle, formally known as Yourage,  look most impressed and ah am feeling very le pleased with mahself.

Ah may ‘ave exagerated la bit about le World Wide shortage.
Eh eh eh.

Muzzeurr and ah were ‘aving a good talk about les birds and les bees.

Apparently les Birds ‘ave feathers and les bees sting you if you are stupeed enough to eat them.

Of course ah am not that stupeed howeveur, Le Uncle ate one once. Eh eh eh.

‘ee insist ‘e did eet for ‘a larf’. Australians do thees sort of stupidity all le time.

Even Muzzeur ees not that stupeed. She does ‘ave mud on ‘er face though.

Le Uncle can not believe ‘ow much mud she plaster on all oveur ‘erself.
‘e keep ‘imself squeeky clean.

‘e stare and stare at ‘er until she get flustered. ‘What?’ she say ‘What are you looking at?’

Le Uncle make le mistake of walking oveur to take a closeur look at all le mud on Muzzeur.

Ah stand be’ind ‘im. Any minute now, Muzzeur will ‘ave ‘is guts for garteurs.

‘Do eet Le Uncle,’ ah urge.

‘Bring it on,’ say Muzzeur.

Suddenly Le Uncle, ‘e ‘as something urgent ‘e ‘as to do.

‘Crikey’ say Le Uncle, and ‘e ees staring at Uzzeur Muzzeur now.
‘Persil, Small and Mighty’ say Uzzeur Muzzeur to noone in particular.

‘Nine out of ten Mares prefer Persil,’ she say then she laugh ‘isterically.

‘Nine out of ten huh,’ ‘e say, ‘who’d have thought?’
We are neveur going to ‘ear le end of this.

‘Ow many mares prefer me Uzzeur Muzzeur?’
ah ‘ave to ask although ah already know le answer…they all do.

Le Uncle and ah over ‘ear Muzzerr talking to Uzzerr Muzzerr.
‘My Son this and My Son that’ she say, ‘Bleuh bleuh bleuh’

As usual ah am in big trouble with Muzzerr.
Apparently, ah am spending far too much time farting with Le Uncle.

Muzzerr say le farting ‘as got to stop.
Le Uncle say ‘e teach me valuable farting skills.

Of course, ‘e teach me nothing. Tis ah ‘oo teach ‘im.

Ah ‘ave been come so expertise in le Spinach Walk,
ah am sought after all over le paddock in ordeur to teach it.

Le Uncle tell me ah am le best ‘e ‘as eveur seen.
At least ah assume that is what ‘e say.
Eet was all in Australian which, of course ah do not understand.
Nobody understand Australian.

For being such an ‘onest ‘orze,  ah decide to anoint ‘im with Slobbeur.

‘ere you go Le Uncle’, ah say, as ah am working up a gobfull
of Le Slobbeur to anoint ‘im with.

”ang on Le Uncle’, ah mumble as ah try to get close enough to dab eet on ‘im.
‘e does not seem all that keen so ah wondeur eef ah should spit eet on ‘im instead.
Le Dalai Llama next door lark to spit all oveur everyone.

ah decide to trot after ‘im and dab slobbeur all over ‘is backside.

Ah cannot understand why ‘e will not stand still while ah bestow this blessing upon ‘im.

‘Wait, Le Uncle’ ah say and ah try to stop ‘im.

But ‘e ees off.

Faster and faster ‘e go. ‘E ees quite a fast ‘orze for a ‘orze ‘oo ees about 100 years old.

Ah gallop after ‘im and Muzzerr gallop after me.

Le Uncle and ah go around een a big circle. Muzzerr ees left be’ind.

Suddenly Le Uncle turn and face me.
‘e tell me ah am a total Tosser so naturally, ah correct ‘im.
‘Ah am la Tosseur Le Uncle’ ah say.

‘that’s what oi said’ ‘e insist, ‘a hairy leedle tosser’.

‘Tosseur’! ah shout.
‘I’m no tosser’ ‘e yell back and ‘e jump up and down so ah jump up and down
and we are bouncing up and down ‘igher and ‘igher.

Pretty soon, there was nothing left to do but ‘ave a beeg fart.

The Uzzerr Muzzerr walk into le paddock so we all stand around and
play ‘Doing Nuzzing’.