Quelle ‘orreur, ah ‘ave mah primordial Aunt Roz ees visiting and ah ‘ave been
threatened with all sorts of torture eef ah do not be’ave mahself.

Le problem with le elderly Aunts ees they always want to kiss me.

And they say things lark, ‘‘oo ‘as been a good boy then’, and ‘‘asn’t ‘e grown up’.
Ah want an Aunt ‘oo say interesting stuff.

‘ere she come now.

‘Hello young man’ she say; so far so good ah think.

And then ‘ere eet come… ‘Give us a great big kiss’ she say.
And ah ‘ave to kiss ‘er ‘airy lips.

Actually eet isn’t too bad. Ah give ‘er another one

Then all of a sudden she ees exclaiming over mah ‘mutton chops’
and reliving ‘er boyfriends in le days of le ‘ippies

‘You look just like one of my ex’s!’ she exclaim.
‘He had big hairy mutton chops just like yours’.
Ah cannot believe what ah just ‘ear. Ah am een shock.
Eet ees too much information for mah digestion.

Ah am going to ‘ave to learn to shave immediately.

Bonjour! There ees great excitement in le paddock.
We ‘ave shifted paddocks again and…

an imposteur ‘as infiltrated  le paddock.
‘e ees very ‘airy.  Ah suspect ‘e may be mah father.

Le Uncle ‘ad a talk to me about le dangeur of le ‘imposteur’.

‘Listen up Sport’ ‘e say, ‘you need to stay away from the hairy imposter.’
Of course, ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e ees on about and Le Imposteur looks
quite interesting, and, ‘e ees very ‘airy.

Le Uncle ees going on and on een Australian and ah am thinking about
‘ow come sheep don’t shrink in le rain. Ah often think about thees.

Suddenly Le Uncle stops le speech and bellows for Muzzerr.
‘Merlot!’ ‘e yell, ‘you talk some sense into the boy will ya’.

Muzzerr looks up from ‘er ‘oovering.
‘Zephyr,’ she say, ‘for goodness sake, listen to your Uncle’.

Ah put mah ‘ead up so mah ear’ole ees right next to ‘is speaking apparatus
but ah still ‘ave no idea what eet ees ‘e ees spouting on about.

‘Ah am listening’, ah explain to Le Uncle, ‘ah just ‘ave no idea what eet ees ah am supposed to be listening to’.

Then we notice, Le Imposteur, ‘e ees listening een on le conversation.

So Le Uncle, ‘e go bezerk and chase ‘im away!

Muzzerr notice this, ‘hmmm’ she say, ‘he really shouldn’t do that, poor old Danny Boy has Cushings’.

Cushions? ‘e ‘as cushions?

‘Yes’ say Muzzerr, ‘he is very old and has had a hard life before being rescued’.

Hmmm, ah think, ah must remember to lie down with le ‘orze ‘oo ‘as ‘is own cushions.

Le Uncle ‘as agreed to watch sport with Muzzerr as ah can no longer associate with ‘er. She ees just too embarrassing.

Muzzerr, she ees looking forward to today’s game.

‘We must not be late Persil’, she say as she get a good place to stand on le field.

Mahself, ah cannot stand watching le sport.
Especially not with Muzzerr.

Muzzerr and Le Uncle watch as le door rolls up to reveal le first contestant.
They are all eyes agog.

‘Good on ya, Sport,’ mutter Le Uncle.

Muzzerr she ees strangely quiet. Ah think she ees trying to make a good impression with Le Uncle.

Of course eet ees too late for that.

Suddenly Le Uncle start up.
‘Christalmiody’ ‘e say, ‘they need ta stop fartarsing around and get on with eet’

Ah believe ‘e mean ‘Isn’t it a nice day please pass le carrots’.
Eet ees ‘ard to understand Australian but ah am getting le ‘ang of eet now.

Then, quelle ‘orreur, Muzzerr get going.
‘Blimey’ she say, ‘Open it up ya useless b’stard!’

‘We’re not at a piano recital’ she yell.

BOOOYAH!’ she scream,  although nothing ‘as yet ‘appened

She ‘as clearly ‘ad too much XtraCal

‘TOUCH DOWN!’ shout Muzzerr all of a sudden, and she stomp ‘er ‘ooves.

Even Beetle Magoo get all excited as le game start.
‘BooooYaaaaaah’ he shout, ‘Get a fricken wiggle on’.

Old Partly Bluett pipes up…
“What?’ ‘e say, ‘Something about a chicken wiggle?’

Madame Magoo try to look intelligent.
‘Chickens,’ she say, ‘they sit around on eggs all day you know’.

Le Uncle remind Muzzerr that een thees sport,
there ees no such thing as a egg. Just een case she think about getting all clucky again ‘e say.

Le Uncle then start explaining le rules to ‘er.
‘The point of the game ees’ ‘e say, but Muzzerr ees yawning loudly already.

‘Listen Merlot,’ Le Uncle try again,
‘eet ees all about getting the car out of the garage at speed without hitting anything’
‘BORING’ say mah Muzzerr.

Ah am so embarrassed ah ‘ide be’ind ‘er.
While ah am there, ah start to give ‘er a new tail style.

Ah am almost asleep as le car finally backs all le way out of le garage.

‘Well,’ say mah Muzzerr, ‘That took some skill’.
And we all wander off to eat some grass.