Muzzerr and ah ‘ave taken up watching sport.
Of course, Muzzerr ees a much bigger fan than ah am.
Ah merely accompany ‘er as a dutiful son.

‘Get a move on ya slack bastard’ she yell, ‘You couldn’t catch a cold’.
‘You’re about as useful as dinosaur repellent’ ah chime een.

Ah got that one off Le Uncle.

Muzzerr becomes louder and more embarrassing as le game wears on.

‘Hey you big hairy arsed wooss!’ shout mah Muzzerr.

‘You couldn’t hit water if you fell off a boat’

‘Put some power into it’ she yell,
‘you’re cornering like a one legged clydesdale’.

Ah ‘ad to laugh at that one. A one legged Clydesdale. Eh eh eh.

‘Ah snake with le false teeths could cut le grass better than you do,’ ah shout.
‘Good one Son” she said. Ah am getting in to the ‘ang of eet now.

‘A fish on a bicycle would have more style’ ah yell.
That made Muzzerr guffaw.

‘A French bicycle’ ah add. Muzzerr ‘ad to stop and think about that one.

Then she was off again – ‘Come on ya big Tossa’ she shriek.

‘What are you – a Daisy Cutter?’

‘A daisy cutter’ she sniggered to me – ‘did you get that Zeph?’

Sometime Muzzerr forget she ees not at a rodeo.
We are watching le next door neighbour cut ‘is lawns on le ride-on lawn mower.
Ah point out to Muzzerr that in fact le man ees probably cutting daisies.

She go all quiet after that.

Ah ‘eard le ‘ole country ees celebrating mah birth.

Eet ees a bit on le late side, but ah do not mind too much.

Muzzerr and ah practice posing for le royal photo opportunity.

We expect la ‘oardes of paparazzi to turn up any time.

And we are prepared for them. For now we ‘ave to make do with Uzzerr Muzzerr.

Muzzerr, she ees very proud. She ‘as been waiting for zis moment.

Ah practice mah Royal stance. When ah rule le country, all le dairy farms will become le carrot farms.

Even Le Uncle ees in on eet. ‘Crikey’ ‘e say, ‘those paparazzi blokes will be in for a right old earbashing from the old sheila’

As usual ah ‘ave no idea what ‘e eez on about.

‘What ees that you say Le Uncle. HUH?’

‘Oi was just saying that watching your Mother be interviewed on the idiot box
will be about as funny as a fart in a stable’ ‘e said.

‘That does not sound very funny to me, Le Uncle’ ah said.

‘Exactly moi son’ ‘e say, ‘and she’ll cause a bit of a kerfuffle
if there’s no lamingtons in the green room you know’.

‘e ‘as lost me.
Ah am bored with trying to understand Le Uncle’s Australian speech.
So ah fill mah mouths up with water.

Ah am  busy trying to see eef ah can roll my tongue
up like a straw and slurp water up it.

Ah uncurl mah tongue and le water falls off eet in a big waterfall.

Ah close mah mouths and ‘old most of le water
een mah cheeks and try to make Le Uncle think ah am still listening to ‘im.
Ah ‘ave mah royal listening face on but mah lips they start leeking le water.

Ah wonder eef loose lips sink ships because they leak.
Ah make a note to ask Uzzerr Muzzerr eef ships even ‘ave lips.

Le Uncle ees walking off when ‘e turns back to
stare at me out of le corner of ‘is eye.

Fortunately ah ave now stopped leaking and am
able to give ‘im mah most intelligent look.
Thees ees le look, ah decide that ah will use for all mah Royal Portraits.
And ah still ‘ave some water stored in le royal cheek pouches.

It appear Uzzerr Muzzerr  – she ees not too ‘appy with me.

Ah‘ practice my new ‘airdressing skills on Le Uncle.

Personally ah think eet look avant-garde

Muzzerr took one look and burst out laughing.
She ‘as no understanding of art.

‘Mwha haaa haaaa’ she went,
‘Oh Lordy you just wait until Uzzerr Muzzerr gets down here and see’s that’.

And she snigger away to ‘erself for le rest of le morning.

Le Uncle quite like ‘is new look. Ah ‘ad also trimmed ‘is fringe.

‘Well Tie me Kangaroo down Sport’ ‘e say,
after ‘e ‘ad a good look at ‘imself in le trough.

‘You like eet Le Uncle?’

‘Moite, oi look about ten years younger,
but Uzzerr Muzzerr ees going to be as mad as a snake een a sock’.

Apparently that ees not a good thing.

Then we ‘eard Uzzerr Muzzerr pull up een ‘er car.

‘Zephyr’ yell Le Uncle, ‘Oi would go and hide eef oi was you Sport’.

Ah carefully watch Uzzerr Muzzerr as she notice Le Uncle’s new ‘aircut.

‘ZEPHYR!’ she yell, and ah realise now ees
le time to pretend to be some other ‘orze.

‘Ah do not know where le ‘orze called Zephyr ees’ ah explain,
‘’e was ‘ere a while ago and then pooft – ‘e just dissappear’.

But Uzzerr Muzzerr – she ees on to me and ah am een big trouble.
Obviously she too, ‘as no appreciation of le arts.